her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
