I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Your cock deserves a montage
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
