Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
