I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
