Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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