Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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