There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
