Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
