Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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