So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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