True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
