This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
