Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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