Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
