So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
