Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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