just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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