How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
