I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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