yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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