Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
