bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
