Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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