We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
