Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
did you just send me my own nude
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
