So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
