sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
