Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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