Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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