I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
