I wish they made helmets for livers.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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