I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize