She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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