please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
