My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize