Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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