I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
