I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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