i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
