She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
