I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
