somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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