I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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