Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
