So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
ttyl tear gas
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
