I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
