Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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