Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
