I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
