the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
