She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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