he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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