i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
