There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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