What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
