Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
