I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
whose ass print is on the piano?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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