Kiss
Puke
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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