He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize