Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
